I’ve just discovered ElderChicks from a recent library book. I would love to read a discussion concerning women in their 60’s++ expected to be responsible for parents in their 80’s++. These super-elders want to stay in their home, don’t want help unless it is one of their adult children, are incapable of managing home & car maintenance, going to doctor appointments alone (because they need an “extra” set of ears to understand what is being said) all holidays & family events are to be arranged around what they feel they are capable of doing—even if that means travel for their children, grandchildren & great grand children. How selfish to play the “poor me” card with adult children who have their own kids & grandkids, spouses & jobs! If you’re 80+++ and want to be “independent” don’t call your senior citizen kids to “help” with anything. Don’t lay on the guilt and drain us dry emotionally, physically and financially & call us when you’ve “fallen & can’t” get up! I’ve been the “good daughter” for 50++. I’m tired & I don’t want to do it anymore. If you can truly take complete care of all your needs—DO IT!!!
From My Perspective by Carolyn Wicker
September 17, 2014 by ElderChicks
15 Responses
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You’re kind of an ingrate Carolyn, because with any LUCK at all, you too will be their age. That was really nasty and they are probably better off without you. And *I* am not their age, but yours.
Wow. I agree with Cee – that was really ugly. I am 63. I practice law by day and run a fine dining restaurant nights and weekends. I have precious little free time. Nonetheless, I was sole caregiver for both of my parents for many years until my dad passed away in 2006 and my mom in 2009. My only regret is that they are not still here so I could do it again. Did it disrupt my life? Yes, in the strict sense of the word. But I did it with joy and I got as much out of it as they did, growing closer to both of them in the process. Maybe if you were less self-absorbed and capable of giving – just for the sake of giving, expecting nothing in return – you might find some joy in it as well. I hope, for your sake, that when you are your parents’ age, your own kids will be kinder.
Carolyn…first of all, thank you for taking the risk of speaking openly about your frustration. It can be hard to do, especially when the responses you receive may not focus on your pain, but on ideas about how you “ought” to manage your feelings about your mother’s care. My mother was the responsibility of my brother and I for 25+ years…she could not drive, lived in a rural area, and could barely see (double detached retinas). We did what we had to do…and only when she developed dementia did we place her in a facility. Did we enjoy the responsibility? No. Her relationships with her children were damaged by her almost total passivity and lack of interest in anyone or anything beyond her immediate needs. When resentment dominates interactions between parent and child, there is always a reason…and always a deeper story. It is not enough, I believe, to simply be a parent. It is critical to maintain connection with those you depend on, to be concerned about their lives, and to maintain interests of your own as you age. You are clearly in a difficult situation…not easily remedied. For your own sake, I hope you can find some relief in the months, years to come. There are no pat answers for you…one of the best sources of help and advice we found was in our local Agency on Aging. The folks there had seen it all, knew what community resources were available, and best of all, LISTENED to our concerns. I wish you a happier future…and don’t let the critics dismay you. People who lash out have their own issues troubling them.
Thank you for your kind response. I wrote this post hoping to open a dialogue for all the “baby boomers” caught in this “no man’s land” of parents 80-90—one friends grandmother is 101 & her 73yr old mother is caring for her! We will all hopefully live long lives, with that should come the responsibility of making the necessary changes to accomodate our more limited abilities. Too many parents like mine “stick their heads in the sand” & refuse to look to the future. This leaves children, like me, in what feels like a hopeless situation. How can one make decisions for people who refuse to make these choices for themselves? As parents we need to ask—what do we want from our children? Do we want to force adult children to make choices that will leave them feeling guilty or angry—hopeless knowing they are unable to make us happy? Or can we plan for our old age in our middle years open to new ideas & options? Freeing our children to “just be our children & love us” rather than be our caregivers?
Carolyn, you have indeed opened a dialogue, a very important one. You raise questions for Boomers: How do you plan for the gift of longer life? Are your relationships with others, including adult children, based on mutual respect and love?
Carolyn…thank you for replying…I did wonder if we’d hear from you again! I think many of the responses you got focused on the evident pain and frustration you expressed. I know that’s what I paid attention to. But…to your larger question of how we in the “baby boomer” generation are going to impact our own children: my husband, 72, and I, 70, have ongoing conversations on just that topic. We have one daughter…who lives 25 minutes from our home…to which we moved 8 months ago to be nearer her as we age. We are fortunate to have superb health…no issues of any sort and we are careful to stay physically fit (tennis, aerobics…etc) and have regular checks to make sure everything is in order. AND we have saved sufficient resources to cover most possible scenarios. BUT we have made it clear to our daughter and each other that the LAST thing we want is for her to be our “caregivers” under ANY circumstances. I am fiercely Independent, as is my husband…our daughter has a demanding career, children of her own, and other time-consuming commitments in her life. I love her beyond words and cannot bear the thought of being a dominant force that sucks away years of her life. She will have the responsibility of overseeing our finances when we are no longer capable…I see no way around that…but otherwise, she will be free. We have taken care, also, to have medical powers of atty in place…I have seen far too many elderly widows who sit in the corners of their children’s homes…no life of their own. No thank you. I will find a way to avoid that. The only thing I can’t figure out how to maneuver around is dementia. But…I will try. Given the numbers of Boomers out there, this is going to become a larger and larger problem for our social structures…and I know that many, many, many older people have few options. Whew…sorry to have gone on at such length…
Will this be your attitude if you make it to your 80’s??
You certainly sound overwhelmed. Have you tried investigating a continuing care facility, perhaps one run by a religious group which is less costly. Change might be difficult for your mother, but the interaction she would get would more than make up for this.
It was interesting to read the responses–most of which as someone said, “took you to task” about being honest about your feelings. I enjoyed the suggestions about continuing care facilities and aging agencies. If your mother was/is anything like mine, she’ll have none of that! My mom started to tell me within 15 or 20 years of my father’s death (he was 54) that she was going to die any day, and my duty as a daughter was to take care of things until that came about.It started with the finances and gradually the responsibilities increased to shopping, hiring and supervising care givers–and smoothing things over when she was abusive, laundry, and trying to curb my urges to smack her around when she was at her worst. I got her into a continuing care facility when she was almost out of money, but she lasted 26 hours, convincing the nuns that she was too sick to be there. I trimmed expenses to the bone and kept her in her apartment for another 4 or 5 years–and finally, she got what she wanted. She lived with me for the last two years of her live. She died @2 months past her 92nd birthday.
My mom was a revered teacher; all her students adored her. They also told me that she had nothing but good stuff to say about me. Too bad I never heard any of it to my face.
My daughters- and especially my middle one who lives quite near by and helps me out in many ways, are terrific and we are good friends. The others are both disabled and live far away (California and Hawaii), but I am careful to show all of them lots of love and to tell them how great they are, as I did all the while they were growing up. It seems to have paid off. I am 82 and somewhat disabled myself, but I am still working, and I feel that no matter how frail I may become, our relationships will always be warm, honest and supportive.
I only wish it could have been that way with my mother; I still miss her, especially the music she made every day almost to the end.
Mary Silverstein
Thank you Mary—your Mom & mine seem to have been “cut from the same cloth”. My Mother wants to stay in her house, keep all her “stuff” & drive her car. She needs 24hr assistance which is $20/hr. Add to this all the other expenses of homeownership. She will be 89 in a few weeks. Eventually she’ll need the assets from her home to create income. She agreed to move to assisted living (in her own apt) after my Dad passed this March—she backed out 1 week before her move in date. I don’t think people realize that if they wait too long their only option will be skilled nursing facilities, because their health issues are so great assisted living facilities will not accept them. My mother’s sister gave her 5 daughters a gift by selecting her own retirement home @ 78. Selling her home making her own decisions to secure her future. She passed this year @ 93 surrounded by all her friends & children-gran kids & great grands. My mother sits alone at her home with hired help filled with resentment & bitterness. I just want to stop feeling guilty for her unhappiness—she has the life she has chosen.
I am 68 and healthy. Both my parents are gone now but I was going to take care of my mom but she had a heart attack and died sooner and quickly. However, I took care of my late husband who had a debilitating stroke and he was given 6 months to live but he lived for 11 more years. I did everything for him, I advocated for his health care issues. He had all the issues that you’ve mentioned. It was not easy but I did it willingly and lovingly. Caregiving must be given willingly with kindness and generosity. Be generous with your patience, and time. You must use it wisely or you will feel the resentment and guilt that you are now feeling. I am not judging you, it is not easy to be a caregiver. I feel bad for you and your mother. This is the time in her life that she really and truly needs your companionship and because you are so resentful, she knows this and becomes bitter as she does not really want to be a burden to you. So it is a vicious circle. I hope you find it in your heart to practice kindness towards her even when you don’t feel like doing so. However long she has, the guilt you will feel when she is gone will ruin you. I wish you well Carolyn.
I find it interesting that most (all?) commenters with a perspective in opposition to Carolyn’s point of view appear to assume that Carolyn’s mother (and all elders?) bear no responsibility for their choices…but are perfectly free to look to their children and if the children don’t respond with loving kindness then the children are found wanting. Please share your thoughts…
If you had to choose between your mother & your husband, who would you have chosen? Could your have physically been able to do both? I guess that is the bigger ? for the boomers. With some of us, our parents may live to their late 90’s. How are we to balance our lives-our children & gran children’s needs. My gran kids came along late. I’m 62 & they are 4 1/2. I want to live long
enough to see them grown & beginning their own family’s. My mom is 88 with 2 gran kids 33 & 39 + 2 great grands 4 1/2. How would you be feeling if at 68 you were looking at 10 years+ of caregiving for your parents at this time in your life? My grandparents passed at 50-78-82 & 83. My dad just passed at 88. My mom is almost 89—her sister lived to 93. My point with this discussion is that things are very different now. We as Elders need to plan & make decisions for our own futures & not place this burden on our children.
Thanks Helen! I guess most would like to think like my mom & “think about all this tomorrow.” My mom’s sister thought ahead, planned for her future and didn’t put her 5 daughters in the position I feel I am in now. She made choices for herself, decided what would make her happy and thought about how her choices would affect her children—what a gift!
I love this subject because I have thought about it for years.
I think people have been way too hard on Carolyn. Carolyn, you really have taken the stand that I understand, from a point of view no one has addressed.
MEDICINE has advanced mightily over the last 75 or so years. This has given us pacemakers, blood pressure meds, blood thinners, and other cardiac / heart meds, IV therapy options now extend life either re-hydrating the dehydrated, or long-term protein feeding, as well as plastic surgery to heal bed sores, and lots of antibiotics, and steroids to keep us all living way beyond the normal extension of life in prior years! We have cancer drugs, to extend life, we have blood clot filters to stop the clots that would have extinguished life, but now stave off the potential for CVA’s. Add to that, feeding tubes which also extend life. It used to be, that if a person couldn’t feed and care for themselves, they died, they didn’t ‘exist’ until their heart quit. What is the outcome of our fabulous medical advances in just “one” family? Have we done the math?
My grandmother died of burns for which, at the time, there was no IV therapy, no antibiotics to thread into her veins and and my grandfather passed away as a result of COPD; there wasn’t much to stop the abrupt ending to their young lives. When my other grandparents died, there weren’t heart transplants, and all the other transplants available today! Not saying that Carolyn’s parents had all these options, but, their daughter may actually be alive today to help them, because of MEDICINE…and, pray tell, what would her mother have done if Carolyn died for a simple medical aliment of times gone by? Her mother is clearly TOO dependent on her and Carolyn has made some very good points.
I have no children and I will not rely on by brothers kids to care for me. I will do the best I can to survive on my own ’til the day I die. I guess if I become incompetent, I will sleep on the ground or in a nursing home, and no, I am not at the place to make a provision for that yet.
Ultimately, God will care for me, He does for the Sparrows, and if I die? I move on to the destiny I have chosen, for Eternity.
But see here… there is a mentality among some that says, “those we respect do this for their parent(s) and you are in the wrong if you don’t” (for some great examples, see some of those previous comments!) Well none of these are wide enough in perspective for me! They don’t encompass all the character defects or unloving aspects of the soul of the ‘human’. It is self-centered to expect any one person to do any one thing for me. This is the mother who expects her child to take care of her. Why is that? Is it simply because she had the ability to produce an egg and had a male to fertilize it? That fertilized egg should now care for her? Really? How fair is that? How “right” is that?
There are people in my close and extended family I love, who, for whatever reason, don’t want to be with me. That is their choice, I mourn it and move on! I have some not blood related friends that make for better “family” and in particular, have the time to meet SOME of my needs. (Some family isn’t worth having in ones life.) Humans that help or help meet a need are not meant to be blood family only! I help whoever I can, when or if I can. It is why we should learn to make good relationships anywhere around us! Making good relationships stretches and grows us, and makes us a better person and even less self-centered. Your mom needs to make other relationships to meet SOME of her needs.
Oh, and lets add one more factor. Our government has stepped in and dictated what medical care should be given. My mother could have died several times in the past ten months. She could have died of sepsis from urine or pneumonia bacteria, she could have died from bed sore infection, and she could have died of blood clot fall out. She is 86, obese, very mentally “not here”, and guess what! We cannot NOT get her treatment for all of these things! DNR? Seems to me that should include antibiotics and plastic bedsore surgery and filters to keep a clot from her brain. Extending her life…for what? And she is in a “home”.
It is a wonderful loving honoring ‘ideal’ to relate and love one’s parents into death-do-us-part. But with the additional years brought to add length to life, add to these years then the children and the grandchildren (little persons), multiply the relationships there are now to tend to, as well as love your spouse who should get your relationship first. I get your pain, Carolyn! There is no “one right way to do this” answer. However, priority order helps us to decide, and maybe your mother will find out she has to make other decisions for herself when you put your loved peoples in YOUR priority order, and she doesn’t get the time she expected. Do not take on the guilt, anymore (this, too, is a choice). You can only put so much into one 24-hour day. You can only CONTROL you, thus you cannot make decisions or control her. You need to draw a line in the sand, take a stand for what you believe, don’t get angry, try to stop getting upset, and do what you know you can and want to do… she will eventually have to make a decision. As long as she can say “jump”, and she sees you dancing to the tune, she will keep at it, and you will continue to feel all these frustrations and hurting feelings. You have to change the dance and you cannot be god to all. Simply because you aren’t.
Dee