My husband is 14 years older and has now been in a nursing home for two years. He does not know me or our family. I am a “young” 62, still working and wonder about male friendships. Is there anyone who has dealt with this without complete guilt? I’m married but have no husband and I miss that companionship so much. Thanks!
Seeking Companionship by B.G.
April 14, 2014 by ElderChicks
7 Responses
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There was something on public radio about this a couple weeks ago. Spouses who have Alzheimers. As long as your husband is well cared for, why should you feel guilty? Don’t you think he would do the same?
You should not feel at all guilty! I recall that Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband was in a nursing home and found a ‘girlfriend” there- and O’Connor was happy that he had companionship. In your case, the situation is reversed but it’s the same principle.The relationship has changed drastically and you can still be loyal to a spouse with dementia and yet have companionship of your own. My longtime significant other has mild dementia and I feel no guilt at all about enjoying male companionship–and I’m still deeply loyal to him.
My sympathy to you; life is too short and unstable not to find some joy.
Do you have adult children? If so, I would recommend that you discuss this with them before you proceed. My friend’s father died very recently, having spent his last year or so in a nursing home with loss of cognition. My friend was and is angry at her 80+ year old mother for finding a new man, letting him move in with her, and having him take her to visits at the nursing home. The new man was not welcome at her father’s funeral. Yes, you do deserve to live your life, but if other family members have a stake in this, it is a good idea to find out their views.
My mother met a man whose wife was in a nursing home with advanced Alzheimer’s. Because he was so depressed about the situation, the doctors had told him to stop staying with his wife all the time and get on with his life. At that time he was probably in his mid or late late 80s, and for 10 years he and my mother were inseparable. I loved him dearly. His daughter was really happy for him, and his son had a bit more trouble with the relationship but came around to being happy for his father. Yes, you deserve a life, and I hope you find it. But do take into consideration the feelings of your children and at least talk to them about how you feel. In the meantime, make sure you are taking care of yourself and doing things you enjoy. Get a hobby if you don’t have one and/or volunteer at something so that you feel your life has some joy outside of work. Make sure you keep your women friends close. They are important at every stage of life.
B.G., I sincerely hope these comments show you that people understand and empathize with you in this situation. I agree that nothing is gained when you sacrifice your own happiness and well-being, including the continued care for your unfortunate husband.
Go for it. You only live once and as long as he is being taken care off, why feel guilty about something so natural. Inform your children about your feelings, Let them know, don’t ask. You are an adult and you don’t need their approval. They have their own lives to live and you have yours. No man is an island. Be kind and be happy. I wish you well.☺