I recently lost my husband of 59 years. The void is so great…In futility, I’ve been reaching out into space…. I have tried to put my loss in the background and to involve myself in the reality of interests such as…. organizations with causes, movie review and book discussion groups. I thought I needed to be in a group milieu…to provide a discipline that would allow me to focus. I have found that I plunged into the interests without giving myself time to heal…… I have realized that I need to allow the grief to be expressed and to be felt….I realize I will not be bored… There is no time constriction. I need to slow down and not to “run around my tail.” My interests are there to be tapped in time… There’s no hurry… ……
In No Hurry by Shirel Lippe
February 5, 2014 by ElderChicks
5 Responses
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To Shirrel – I’ve just read your letter and I empathize with you. You have found out the way to go – on your own time and in your own way. My daughter told me I was ‘not here’ after my husband died. About 18 months later I felt myself ‘wake up’. Since then, I have, gradually, reentered the world. Welcome!
Leah Blumenthal
Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2014 19:02:21 +0000 To: leahbob_@msn.com
Because I’m snowed in I have all the time in the world so I suggest to you take all the time you need to grieve because you know you have all those other options out there ,when you are ready. Good Luck.
When my husband died instead of looking outside, I turned within and found peace through yoga and meditation. I also found a community for emotional support.
Shirel, I too, have gone through the business of loss of a husband after 56 years. We grieved his death –and the loss of life as we had lived it– together as we went through his lingering illness. Grieving together was both a blessing and an abomination. He died six years ago.
I went through guilt (did I do enough?), anger (I told him to take better care of himself!), selfishness (how am I going to get along without him?) resentment (some of my so-called friends have abandoned me now that I’m single), more guilt ( ooh! I’m now freed from having to make compromises in my life –what I called “living by committee”).
One day I woke up and realized that Dan wasn’t the first thing on my mind in the morning and the substance of my dreams every night. This occurred after maybe two years. I was experiencing a new freedom, freedom from grief. Dan is still, and always will, remain a part of me. Why would I want to erase a life and a love that I wouldn’t exchange for anything in the world? What I have finally let go of is the searing grief that I tried to run away from by breathlessly and exhaustingly filling every waking moment.
Grief has to take its course, can’t be rushed, and everyone grieves in their own way. I think the important thing is not to become your grief, but to continue to reach outward even as you reflect on what you have learned from the past to design your future. There is, after all, still the rest of your life. It is a gift that I wish Dan and I could have shared. But life dealt us a different hand. Let’s continue to play it to win it.
Shirle, I am 15 months after losing my husband of 40 years to the big C. It takes time .. Lots of time, to heal. And no, trying to rush the process can just make it worse. Have a small widows group that meets monthly (started by therapist from the cancer center) that just started. We named ourselves the “hussies”. LOL. Helping each other adjust to the what now phase of our lives, doing fun things. Heard about this site in NPR last night. So glad to find it.
Jo