I had an unfortunate experience this past June. I had an adverse reaction to an antibiotic, and sustained permanent nerve damage. Together with my arthritis it really threw me for a loop, and for a while I needed 12- hour-a-day home care. But interestingly, I found myself guiding my young aides in their life choices, and actually feeling useful.
I am doing better now, and have gone from receiving home care to giving it to my cat who is quite ill. Yesterday, a nurse was out to visit every 2 hours from 11 till 8 to take blood from her, so we could get her insulin regulated. My cat had refused to cooperate at the office.
I was wondering. Do you ever come across any elders who have the double whammy that I have? That is, having debilitating medical problems, as well as not having any family- no husband or children, and no relatives in the area. I know that there are many out there, and many who do quite well. I would just like to hear what they have to say. As a geriatric social worker, I was involved with many homebound seniors. Most had relatives. But most also did not live a life with much quality.
They were far different from those who write in ElderChicks. And these were women who could not make it to a senior center or lunch and learn. So their voice can’t be heard. It’s important that we realize that this group exists.
ElderChicks 
I am only 63 & starting to have worries about physical dependence, especially since I also have essentially no family. I will never be able to afford to retire, so what do I do? I’ve kept my head down & worked, worked, worked & now I look up & see essentially nothing.
I am well aware of the situation you are describing. I remember vividly an occasion when I realized that my aging body was becoming undependable. I was leaving a doctor’s appointment with discouraging news. Having lost my husband to cancer, my parents to old age illnesses, my sister to suicide, the relocation of my children to distant cities, the realization of my vulnerability to personal, long-lasting and debilitating illness caused profound sorrow. It was not easy to acknowledge the reality of being finite. The idea of death did not terrify me as much as the thought of being helpless or able to live independently. So I wrestled with panic and anxiety and wanted to make plans to reassure myself that I would be fine. None of the worry helped me cope with the situation. Simply put, I came into this world and at some point in time, I will leave it. Therefore, I resolved to continue living each day as if it were my last. The present becomes the future, one day at a time. I have developed great faith that all will be well. I live in my winter days with the peace of knowing how quickly spring follows. When my life is over, I believe very firmly, that I will experience a new spring. I am still planting seeds of love, kindness and wisdom. May they bloom and grow for everyone I meet in my journey.
Thank you. I am a social worker who could be retired but am still working. I’ve worked for the last 13 years with elderly and those with medical challenges who are home bound. Now, I am working for myself, offering Life Coaching and case management for those so challenged. I’m so glad you wrote this. Yes, over the years, I’ve seen many folks like yourself, with one complication following another and no family nearby. I have invested at times too much of my heart and time, for I have been creative in finding support and caring in my work. I’m glad you are feeling better and are now nurturing your cat. You are not alone. Many find themselves in similar situations at times!
I don’t have an answer to this but I wanted to say “Bravo” for bring up such an important topic! I look forward to reading more from other women here on this site.
Thank you,
Kathy
Thank you all – although we have no answers, we at least know that we are not spiritually alone in this conundrum. I still have to find tangible, actionable answers, so if anyone has any or can point me & others to a source it would be very much appreciated.
This is an aspect of community that lets us know how important we are to each other. Robin’s experience, reflection, and continued growth is very inspiring. Thanks to all who recognize themselves in these communications and provide role models for us all.
I’m still in great health at 66. At least I think I am. I have no family, meaning my parents are deceased, no spouse, no siblings, no children, and even few caring friends. I have no clue what will happen when my health fails and that worry consumes many of my thoughts. I guess it’s good to know there are others in a similar situation.
I completely agree-these voices need to be heard. I am almost 65 and I know that sometime in my life I will need care for something or another. I have 3 grown children, but two do not live near me and they are not inclined to be the helper types. My oldest lives nearby but she is also not really a hands-on caretaker type. I would need to find help outside of my family. Many women, especially, find themselves in this place later in life. We’ve cared and loved for others but when it is our time we are often alone. I am at the bottom of the economic scale–on food stamps, receiving support from my oldest child and social security. I don’t own a car and everything I do own fits into the 2-room studio I live in. Even so, as a writer and musician, my life feels rich but it would be great to be able to travel a bit or even have a vacation while I am still energetic and healthy! In addition, I’ve had to take on a part time step n fetch it retail job for minimum wage and I am at least 20 years older than everyone there. There is a woman who lives upstairs in my building who is very sick, probably dying of colon cancer and she is utterly alone. I have offered repeatedly to help her out but she has refused my help–perhaps her pride, I don’t know. However I consider this as a serious issue–just as it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a village to help our elders! We don’t have much care or compassion for elders in our social structure and we need to find a way to develop this and make it a part of the infrastructure. A lot of it does boil down to ageism, fear of disease and death and terrible condescension and patronization of our elder people. We have a long way to go! Thanks for bringing this up!
To Allisonfine- I don’t know your neighbor in need, but if I were in her situation, it would be hard for me to accept help from a person who had no history with me. Illness is demoralyzing and brings fears that overshadow the feeling of need. One suggestion I would make is just spending short amounts of time with her if you are able to do so. Thoughtful acts of kindness bring an attitude of gratitude in most people so that they can begin to trust the one who cares. Offer to shop for her in emergency situations. Give her someone to talk to if she needs someone to vent her feelings. Keep your interaction as private as you can. Neighbors don’t need details of her illness. Explain your limitations in giving aid if she seems to need more from you than you can give. Remind yourself that your limits are necessary. These suggestions are ideas of how I would want kindness to be shown to me in a similar situation. I realize that many people are uncomfortable when their efforts,well-meaning as they are, are rejected. It might take some patience from you, but the challenge is worth the effort. You really sound like a compassionate lady. Please don’t give up offering your help even though she refuses it. Your kind heart will always know you were there as much as she allowed you to be. She may never call on you, but she will know she was not completely forgotten in her need. We will all need someone on which to rely at some point in time.
Friends are a wonderful antidote to loneliness and fears about the future. I recently read of someone’s goal to make new friends and that struck me as the most worthy goal – better than losing weight or getting a degree! The love of friends often outshines the love of family. Let’s brainstorm ways to make new friends!
I totally agree. And thank you so much for posting this. I have been participating in Crones Counsel since 1999. Over and over again I hear stories about dynamic elder women who are active and vital. In fact, we celebrate these women within our circle. But what about those who cannot afford to attend our annual gatherings? What about those who are unable to be with us due to physical limitations? And what about those women who would not or could not embrace the Crone archetype, which urges us to age with enthusiasm? All women, all senior women, need to be acknowledged and celebrated regardless of the path they are on. Thank you for sharing your courage and fortitude and many blessings to you and your furry feline.
I too have had nerve damage, from a post-surgical hematoma. I have constant pain in my lower back and my right foot is totally numb except on top where it is so sensitive that i can’t even let my pant leg touch it. Also arthritis – of course in the same side hip as the other problems.
Have you tried the nerve pain meds like Lyrica, Cymbalta, amytriptyline, etc ? They didn’t help me but have helped others.
I am blessed to have a caring husband, but suggest as others have that you let your friends help as much as possible – and try to develop new friends as well. Also, are you affiliated with a church ? Many churches have support groups. Last, have you considered seeing if there is some kind of volunteer work you could do from home ? Helping someone else, even in a small way, can go a long way to alleviate one’s own suffering.
I have a friend who this past winter had a double whammy such as yours. She lives alone with no family around and had a slight stroke necessitating use of a cane. Shortly after that, she fell and broke her arm. She has problems with balance, so with her full arm cast on her dominant arm, it was hard for her to even get around her small apartment or feed herself or bathe or write out checks. How did she handle this? Some examples: A neighbor in her building came twice a week to help her shower. A friend took her by cab to her doctors’ appointments. She ordered groceries through Peapod. I helped her shop for a new outfit for her 80th birthday. I guided her with her walker from a cab to a store, had her sit in a dressing room, and brought her outfits to try on. I was amazed at her postive spirit and her ability to rally people in her life to give her the help she needed, spreading it out so I don’t think any of us felt over burdened. When she finally got rid of her arm cast and her walker and was using only a cane, she hosted a potuck dinner party as a thank you for her helpers. One came early and did all the house prep for her, and she was a glowing hostess. At 71, I only hope I have the network she has, though small, if and when I should need it. Hope this example helps a bit and best wishes!
I am so impressed with the candor that all of you have expressed. It might be easier to hide under the cloak of fear and anxiety of the uncertainty of the aging process. For some, it is freedom to finally have the time to enjoy life. Others, however, find it so difficult to deal with just the every-day needs. There are countless ideas and suggestions to make ones life more comfortable, but they will only appear if women show the strength to have an open dialogue.
So, “On My Own”, you are not alone – we hear you.
“Candor” is the right word, and as usual, Elena, your perspective helps. We need to recognize the difference between reality/candor/expressing our needs and the reluctance to “complain” or be perceived as “whining.”
Well, you all got me out of hiding! I’m “Anonymous”, and I felt that I had to respond to all your wonderful, heartfelt comments. I never expected such a reply, and so many. I actually did not write the above for this blog. I wrote an e-mail to Thelma, after reading her book. She asked for permission to put my question to the Elder Chicks. I’m glad that I agreed. I can’t tell you how you’ve lifted my spirits. And I must say that anyone is lucky to have you people as friends.
I do want to clarify some points. As a retired geriatric social worker, I’m well aware of all the resources in the community. I’m also fortunate in the fact that I’m financially secure, and can afford to get help, or to move to a senior facility if I wish. I do feel very grateful for this.
What I have found is that when I’m in great pain, and feeling lousy, I don’t feel up to making decisions for myself, or telling a home health aide what it is that I’d like her to do. I’m not very confrontive. I’d like someone else to take over for me. But on the other hand, I have a home that I love, and I have no desire to move to a place where I’m taken care of. I’m leaving this till it’s absolutely necessary.
I do have many good friends. My closest friends live in other cities, including London. (I’ve lived in 6). My local friends are often in worse shape than I am, or else too busy. And again, I’m not one to ask for help. I did receive help from an unexpected source- my pet sitter. In fact my cat and I received “homecare” at the same time. And when I stopped needing the aide, my pet sitter helped me out.
I think that the worst problem is the emotional- grieving for the things that I used to do, but which now are impossible, or much more difficult. I’ve been going on vacations by myself- and I’m perfectly happy with that. I love meeting new people, and doing whatever I want to do. But now I’m not sure I can do this anymore. Part of the problem is that I can have a pretty good day or part of a day, and then wham, I’m in a terrible way, and need help.
The same goes with activities close to me. I often, in fact most of the time, have to cancel. Walking on park trails (I’m surrounded by them), has always been a love of mine. I still do that as much as possible, but many days I can’t. Actually, sitting is more difficult than walking, so I don’t go places where I have to sit for any length. The computer is my worst enemy- I stay on it too long.
I’ve never been a person who gets depressed or overly anxious, but in the last few months I’ve been experiencing both- mainly at night. But I must say, I’ve been feeling just fine since I’ve heard from you. So thank you all so much.
And one more thing, Katherine, yes I’ve tried Lyrica without success, And I do not want to try any other meds- since I don’t want to take any more chances of a bad reaction to a med. But thanks for the suggestion.
I certainly have “talked” too much. Sorry.
Heartfelt words are not “just talk”. Life is a hard won challenge. Each day we don’t give up or don’t give in to our completely natural reactions to the disappointment of our changed lives is a victory of our spirit. I have always admired bravery. To continue with optimism is a form of magnificent courage. May we all persevere in our new old age, with the dignity that graceful lives possess.
What warm, wonderful women! And Allison, maybe find opportunities to repeat your offer of help to your neighbor in gentle ways, so that she realizes you really mean it. “I don’t want to pry…. I am sure you are not able to keep your house up, but I expect that & will not judge… I am right here below you & would be happy to …..”
When my parents & grandmother were all getting ever more ill & then dying it struck me that with illness and/or old age things are taken away from you. Things like your car, then your home, then your responsibilities & rights & your dignity. How can we manage that when that time comes for us?
Dear Dorothy, I’m so glad you came out of your “anonymous ” closet. Your comments made clearer for me a couple of my favorite quotes. (I am a quote collector). One is “It doesn’t get any better than today.” Some people find this one a bit depressing, but to me it is the reality of a possible future. The other is “While I can, I will. When I can’t, I won’t…. but, I will be so glad that I did when I could.” And thanks to Thelma and Bobbie for putting the second one in their new book.
Dorothy, you have done some wonderful things in your life so take the time now to think about those and smile.
Elena, thank you so much for your comment, and your quotes. I do agree very much with the second quote, and hope that I follow it. The first one, I question a bit. I do feel that it can get better than today, although it doesn’t always happen. I find that when I’m going thru a particularly tough time, I plan a future activity that does not seem possible. In fact, friends think I’m crazy. So far it has worked. In July, I made it to a bar mitzvah in the Catskills- with the help of Percocet and a friend who drove me. I still think of it as a miracle. I realize that I can run out of miracles.
I am truly happy that Thelma put my concern before you all. I loved reading, and have appreciated everyone’s comments.
When I was a kid we lived far from relatives, esp. my grandmother. Next door a retired couple lived. They were like foster grandparents to us. Years later after Mr. died and his wife was developing full-blown alziemers, my parents looked out for her. Later she went to live w/her son.