My children are making the assumption that I can be left, in limbo, until I have a need. A need usually involves a medical emergency. I am having to remind myself that this is natural and to not have hurt feelings. I realize they are busy with their lives and accept that. They live in two separate cities. I am selfishly thinking, as I am widowed and live alone, how they can possibly forget to just call without a purpose or a holiday. It is as if I have been filed in the not important, but if necessary, I will accept responsibility for helping out. I miss their companionship. I do not know how to voice that without making them feel guilty which would make me unhappy also. A new mindset? Any suggestions would be appreciated.
A New Mindset? by Anonymous
February 3, 2012 by ElderChicks
6 Responses
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ElderChicks 
I have had the same feelings. For me, it’s a bit different as I was always the busy one not reaching out to my parents as they retired. I learned to give quality if not quantity during that time. Also, I have a reverse situation with my children. They want me to be more involved and as always I have so many interests that I almost never am available for them. We have had to have conversations about this and I did change my mindset knowing I was not “interfering” with them if I called or emailed occassionally to see how they were. They liked it. Busy people usually don’t have as much time however, so again it was often quality not quantity. This is an important topic and I’ve gone on and on about me, when you asked for suggestions.
I’d say then that you are as important as they are and if you can let them know (like my kids let me know) you want just a tad more contact, it can help. Realize it is a transition for all of us. Our kids also sometimes don’t want to see us age as it reminds them of their own mortality. But of course, they are going to have to get used to that too. It does take time to make those transitions.
I am widowed and living alone, but my children do call and keep track of me. Occasionally they can’t “find” me and can get rather concerned and then humorous situations arise. If I found myself in your situation I would call them every so often and have a quick chat– email or even send a “Thinking of You” card. I often do that all three of those things. It has worked for me. They will be happy that you are thinking of them and just perhaps it will rub off and they will reciprocate in kind. Even if you do most of the contacting, don’t stop as it is so important to keep in touch with the ones you love even when they seem not to be as caring as you think they should be.
It’s important for you to let them know how you feel using “I feel….”
You can express to them just what you wrote to Elder Chicks. Perhaps there’s a way to come to a mutually agreeable solution. It sounds like they may not be aware of your predicament. They may be perceiving you as fiercly independent, and not realize that aging has resulted in changes in your needs.
Many of us are able to relate to your expressed feelings and question how to let our children know how we feel. I guess…..you just let them know.
However, just as your children learned (from parents) how to become independent, aging parents must do the same.
Life is ever-changing. To survive , one must learn to adapt and to accommodate for each new situation.
If living alone, consider the advantages of congregate living.
With time on your hands. get involved (socially or religiously or politically etc. .
Strengthen new …and old…relationships.
The most interesting person and activities are you and the things you are doing. This is true of you and of your children as well. Do all the things you have ever wanted to do, those you are able to do, stretch yourself to learn new things and go new places. It’s not going to be easier to do next year. You will find your children more attentive to a busy active person, and you will have trouble finding the time to get in contact with them.
Hi Joan! I loved your comment, especially
“You will find your children more attentive to a busy active person, and you will have trouble finding the time to get in contact with them.”
How much better for your children to WANT to be with you because you are interesting and vital than it is to REQUIRE them to be with because oif filial obligations –which ends up making everybody resentful. What a great role model you are to them and us!!