ElderChicks

“You can’t tell me what to do,” Josh smugly announced. “You are not my real grandfather.” Art, his step grandfather, was hurt and shocked and furious. But he kept his cool. He thought he and his wife got along well with his daughter-in-law’s children from  a previous marriage. But he didn’t. He nearly bit his tongue in two to keep from saying what he wanted to say. Instead, he suggested to his daughter-in-law that Josh and he have a talk about grand children and grandparents and what the entire situation meant for all of them.

Family life for many has been altered by divorce, interfaith marriage and separation by distance. Get togethers and holidays rarely prove joyful times as depicted by the Brady’s on T.V. More often, as families blend, it produces stress all around. It can be difficult for children in a new family especially when they have been comfortable with rituals and customs that were repeated year after year in their in their former home.

Stepbrothers and stepsisters are strangers, at the beginning. It takes time for them to get to know each other, and everyone is touchy. Rivalry between children of the two families is always either open or lurking below the surface. everyone keeps score, and some feel they are losing.

The very rituals that each family brings along with them can become an exciting experience. Here’s where grandparents can come in, big time. Grandparents obviously aren’t the parents, so they have a different status, a different aura. They can help in the melding process by exploring the different family traditions and pointing out how great they are and by exploring the different family traditions and pointing out how great they are by having two different sets it enhances the holiday experience for everybody.

When there are two different religious cultures involved clearly this can be a minefield, but grandparents can, if they are of a mind to, help the kids see the good points of each faith and that the religions are not adversaries, but rather complementary.

Grandparents usually are especially good at story telling. Share what it was like at holiday time when you were young. Encourage each child to share a story of what they enjoyed most for holidays. You don’t have to do things a certain way although it should be some combination of old traditions with new. Be particularly sensitive to anyone for whom this may be their first holiday together. Be patient. It takes time for the new blended situation to have the feel of one single family. Grandparents can be extremely helpful in the process, but they need to be mindful of the sensitivities of the situation.  With luck, it won’t be all that long before rude Josh starts calling you ‘Gramps.